Let’s Argue More!

Don’t get me wrong; I deeply believe in peaceful co-existence, and it is for this reason that I have come to realize the importance of having difficult conversations and productive arguments.

As per Yerkes-Dodson Law, a low amount of stress leads to apathy or boredom and a high level of stress leads to anxiety, but an optimal level leads to productivity — also called arousal state. I believe the same to be valid with arguments. No arguments might mean dead chemistry, and too much of it will lead to the death of chemistry.

Author Joseph Grenny in his book Crucial Conversations states “Research has shown that couples who handle their arguments rationally reduce their chances of a breakup by up to 50%.”

An easy conversation about a banal subject can often degenerate into a heated argument. An argument can stem anywhere from opinions or differences on race, religion, sexuality, insecurities, observations, politics, preferences, or a mere neighbour’s habit of playing loud music.

Imagine being in a board room meeting, and the chief calls a huddle to figure out a strategy and everyone voices their opinion, and the one that gets chosen is the one to which you disagree. Recall the last time your inputs were criticized, did you placidly accept the criticism and worked towards a solution?

When opinions vary, emotions run strong, stakes are high, tension builds up, the logical mind shuts down, and in a blink, things come to a devastating end, so much so that no effort can salvage the situation.

We all avoid tough conversations, but the truth is, if you end up dodging it for long, the small creak will lead to a rift, but how do we address the sensitive issue without being a bully?

The first step for any fruitful conversation is a conducive atmosphere where an individual or the group feels safe, unthreatened, respected, trusted, and everyone has a common purpose. If people don’t get a feeling of security, if they don’t feel you respect them enough they can quickly devolve into acts of aggression or get extremely defensive and might stop voicing their opinions.

The easiest way to show mutual respect is in the manner we address an individual or their shortcomings. An easy way to address shortcomings is by juxtaposing criticism with praise — figure out something good to talk about, before you state your concern.

Because I am a fan of frameworks, I have found one for arguments. In his book Difficult Conversations, author Douglas Stone talks about three elements that occur simultaneously during an argument

• “What happened?” Conversations: I’m right, and you are wrong. Defending self, assuming intention of the other person, and assigning blame.

Both the parties should clarify their own interpretations, perceptions and contributions to the problem.

• “Feeling” Conversation”: Involving emotions — disappointment, anger, frustration, fear, and hurt.

We must avoid stating our feelings until we are ourselves sure as to what we are feeling. Once we are clear, we need to state the feelings and avoid blaming the other person and state the impact on us.

• “Identity” Conversation: Risking the already built self-image.

Author wants individuals to understand that their behaviour is complex and not a mere dichotomy of good or bad.

Finally, we need to convert arguments into learning conversations. A learning conversation starts with the Third Story — perspective of an impartial observer. Reframe the third story into three conversations as above and listen.

In simple steps

• figure out why the opponent is saying what he is saying, are you missing any fact, is he missing any point? Question potential blind-spots. Try to find the deeper positive aspect behind the statement.
• Focus on the action or issue, not the intention of the other person.
• Stop blaming and brainstorm a way out of the current mess.

A productive argument starts with learning to create a safe space for an employee or friend in a conversation, which brings in the freedom and flexibility to address the main problem that needs solving by involving everyone.

On a personal level one must learn to negotiate with their very own feelings by going into the root cause of their genesis. Once we are clear as to what we are feeling, we need to share it openly in a thoughtful manner and seek resolution.

Happy Arguing!