Make People Feel “Felt”

I went to a grocery store in the evening and heard a child shrieking, “I’m hungry.” It led me to a question if I were his parent, what would I do? The easiest thing would be to snap and tell him to shut up. It’s highly unlikely that the child would listen, and the scream would have continued.

To appease the child, we probably need to acknowledge what the child is feeling, what lies behind his temper tantrum — is it hunger, is it frustration, is it demand for attention. A mature way to get through would be to see through and address his feelings. It can be as simple as “I realize your hunger, and am going to do X, Y, and Z.” It shows we are listening genuinely.

This brings us to a deeper topic — communication. Why communication? A 2014 study published in Forbes found that 71% of employees don’t believe their bosses communicate properly what is expected of them. According to a 2017 Gallup poll, 85% of the global workforce are actively disengaged from their jobs. Not only business, but the role of communication can’t be undermined in our personal relations. We all have seen it happen, right? ;)

So let us dig deeper into healthy communication. For the sake of simplicity, let us limit the definition of communication to talking and listening. Communication is like food, sometimes nourishing and, at times, toxic. Our communication patterns — things we tell ourselves and others form the basis of our lives. Words can build bridges or can sow the seeds of discord.

A. Talking

We probably need to learn to walk the tight-rope of speaking the truth without hurting the sentiments of people. The answer is found in NVC or Non-Violent Communication; it was developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Rosenberg intended to help people resolve conflicts and differences in a peaceful manner. NVC has four components

1. Observations

Observation is not judgement. There is a fine line between observation and judgement. The famous Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurthy once said, “Observation without evaluation is the highest form of intelligence”.

What is the difference between the two? Observations are neutral, objective and stemming from rational thoughts, while judgement is opinionated, subjective and arises from a moral high ground.

Stating facts prevents the recipient from becoming defensive and reduces likelihood of misunderstandings.

Observation : The cash counter has bills lying around.

Judgement : The cash counter is messy.

2. Feelings

While expressing feelings we should be explicit and specific while communicating the feelings. Simply stating “I am feeling low” is vague, however, stating “I am feeling ignored because yesterday morning I pinged my colleague on messenger and she has not reverted back until now.”

We should understand that other person’s action can be stimulus to our feelings, they are not the cause. Our reaction to what is thrown at us makes us feel the way we feel. For instance if we are criticised, there are four ways we can react

1. Blame yourself, feel guilty and depressed.
2. Blame the speaker, become defensive or angry and combat.
3. Vocalise your feelings, identify your emotional response and address the reason behind the criticism.
4. Observe the feelings of the speaker and address his needs.

Combining observation with feeling we make a non-violent, truthful statement

eg. When I see bills lying around on the cash counter, I feel frustrated.

3. Needs

Needs are bare minimum physical, societal, or emotional aspects of life required to keep us content. In the above case, our need is cleanliness. We should first be aware of our underlying needs. Unless we express our needs, we should not expect it to be met. The more direct we are with our needs the easier it will be for people to meet our needs.

eg. When I see bills lying around on the cash counter, I feel frustrated, because my need for cleanliness is not met.

4. Requests

A request needs to be doable in the present to meet your needs. It is important to note that it is a request not a demand.

eg. When I see bills lying around the cash counter, I feel frustrated, because my need for cleanliness is not met. Would you mind cleaning it in the next 30 minutes?

While laying down requests we need to show empathy to the other person — paying heed to their present feelings and needs, and be willing to take a no for an answer, or re-phrase the request.

NVC is not only helpful in building relations with other, but with ourselves as well.

• Observe: We need to avoid judgemental self-talk — the voice in head criticising for all the mistakes.
• Feel: Identify the negative feeling
• Need: Identify the needs fuelling this negative feeling.
• Request: Replace the mourning with actionables if possible.

NVC serves as a systematic method to reduce conflict in our hearts and interpersonal relationships. By paying attention to everyone’s need we heal all our relations.

Let us understand why NVC works. The human brain is divided into three different thinking parts

• reptilian — responsible for flight and fight.
• mammalian — responsible for all emotions
• reasoning — responsible for collecting and analysing data from reptilian and mammalian layers.

In threatening situations the reasoning layer shuts down and the control is passed to mammalian or reptilian part through the amygdala. By acknowledging and expressing threats or panic the amygdala cools down and we give an opportunity to the rational brain to take over. Similarly acknowledging the needs of the partner cools his amygdala and the requests are heard with a rational mind.

B. Listening

One of the most important qualities that I look for in people is the ability to listen. It gives a clear indication of their ability to empathise. While in a professional setup, paying attention to details, taking notes and parroting back the facts might suffice, in a personal relationship and more complex circumstances this does not work.

True listening I believe is about trying to understand why the person is saying, what he is saying. What is the unmet need inside him which he wants to address using the current selection of his words?

The closest formal concept regarding mindful listening is Nunchi. It is the Korean art of gauging people’s thoughts and moods from their behaviour.

Korea lies at the cross-roads of China and Japan and has been invaded about 800+ times, despite the tumultuous history, Korea has thrived and has kept its culture intact using the power of Nunchi.

Nunchi is the ability to see or sense what’s around and recalibrate your assumptions, behaviour, and speech based on the current environment. A major component of Nunchi is being mindful when listening. When someone is telling you about their suffering, you don’t interrupt to correct them or blame them but focus on their feelings.

The goal of mindful listening is to carefully and compassionately help the other person say whatever they want to, so that it will lessen their pain. Simple phrases like “I am here for you”, work miracles. Make people feel felt and liberate them from their emotional trauma.

Combining the two together, communication is about mindful talking and mindful listening. When in a mindful state we examine our communication objectively and stop ourselves from uttering toxic comments and try to not only listen attentively but understand the other person without being judgemental.

Happy Communicating!